The Space Coyote

April 26, 2003 - February 26, 2007

And with a yelp like thunder the Space Coyote's tremendous cry reverberated across the blood-soaked fields of Ærth. There were no screams of terror this time. No trembling and uncontrollable, spasmodic shaking. The land remained silent. The Space Coyote had achieved world peace! As he snickered, a sensation began to overcome him. Visions of his distant past began to flood his sight. He saw the worm queen, the flower, the forest creature, Jack, and his lost friend, the Potatoe of Doom. He remembered how life had been. The Space Coyote, now alone on this desolate landscape, raised his head to the midnight sky and ululated - a melancholy toast to the moon. And with the broken, lifeless bodies of the Ærthlings strewn before him, The Space Coyote blasted off one last time, never to be seen or heard from again.

As they waited for eternal life the Ærthlings noticed a small speck in the sky. They squinted as they peered at the object blotting out the sun. It was the Space Coyote! The citizens began cheering as they beamed smiles so bright it rivaled their sun. Then the Space Coyote began his descent towards the crowd. As he picked up speed at an exponential rate, the citizens ceased clapping and merely stood in place. Then the Ærthlings began to panic. But it was too late! The now evil Space Coyote slammed into the ground, sending Ærthlings in every direction. "EEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!" they squealed. The Space Coyote glared at the sun and day became night. The only visible light eminated from the flames that engulfed the menacing coyote's eyes as cacophonous laughter erupted from his terrible jaws. Ærthlings scrambled in terror as they stumbled over each other in a frantic dash to escape. The Space Coyote shot a prismatic beam and several citizens instantly vaporized, much like in the movie remake, War of the Worlds. Then he grew to an extraordinary size and roared as he shot fire from his gaping jaws of destruction. As the Space Coyote hovered above the center of the Ærthian city, he shot a green energy beam that completely annihilated everything! Then the Space Coyote blasted off at the speed of light, much faster than team rocket, and created a massive dirt wall, encircling and thereby trapping the multitude of Ærthlings. Then he began throwing the Ærthlings in all directions! Their puny bodies were no match for the awesome strength of the vicious creature of destruction. This was no fun for the poor Ærthlings! The Space Coyote cackled with delight. Things were going to be different now...

Then a breakthrough in Ærthian technology surfaced that was so astounding its results would stump even those of the teleporter. Previous research had proven, with little doubt, that reality was nothing more than one's perception. Using this knowledge combined with state-of-the-art nano and biological technology, microelectronics had managed to fabricate the greatest and most sought after element of all: time. Human testing began almost immediately. The infintesimally small electronics were implanted directly in the brain and were designed to speed up cerebral activity by a factor of ten. The first experiments were performed while the patients dreamt. Carefully monitored brainwaves indicated the patient did in fact dream near ten times faster than normal, thereby experiencing near ten times as much. Ecstatic, the scientists prepared to tackle the greatest challenge: transferring their success from the dream world to the conscious one.        

The process was involved and slow. The patients were able to think at an accelerated pace, but naturally their bodies could not keep up. The patients became vexed. It was as if they were thinking at a normal pace but their bodies moved ten times slower. This would not do. The scientists prepared to abandon the project until one suggested a possible solution. By combining virtual reality and the internet, the problem was solved. The scientists gave birth to the Æthernet and the first subjects were allowed to roam freely through their digital wonderland faster than any human had ever moved. One minute outside the Æthernet was equivalent to ten minutes inside. But this would not suffice. To achieve immortality, the processing speeds were doubled, then quadrupled, then multiplied in ever increasing intervals. One minute outside the Æthernet was now equivalent to forty thousand lifetimes inside. With the scientist's success published throughout Ærth, the citizens arrived by the millions awaiting their implants and access to eternal life.  

Lost his way like a fox! Someone flipped a switch and Ærth was no longer in peril. The Space Coyote meandered about with nothing to do. He stumbled upon strange glowing worms, also meandering, and devoured them with his ferocious teeth. Stupid worms! Stupid worms indeed! Then a million little flowers with their leafy arms and petalled heads began singing and dancing their harmonious dance, swaying to and fro, stop and go, thats what makes the world go 'round. Silly flowers! The Space Coyote gawked. Everyone knows Trix® are for kids! What! I mean everyone knows gravity makes the world go 'round. The flowers simultaneously stopped their convivial dance. Their beady eyes grew and swelled with tears as their plant mouths began to quiver.

A million little screams echoed throughout the land as a flowerly deluge of tears was released. This was terrible ungood! The flowery sobs turned to bouts of resounding monstrous laughter as the flowers grew to massive cannibalistic plants of doom! "Foolish Feline!" they roared, "look what you've done! We may still be stupid but we are angry with laughter!" "No, YOU are the foolish ones you cannibals!" The flowers stopped laughing. Then they ate each other! The Space Coyote stopped laughing. Where was his fork of justice?!